Love Struck Read online

  18

  Ryker

  “Hey, Star.” Practice just ended, and I approach Star while she turns off her keyboard.

  She looks up at me, pushing her hair from her face. “Hey, Ryker. What’s up?”

  I glance around to make sure no one else is listening. Beckett is fiddling with his amp, and Pierce and Jimmy are laughing about something in the corner. “I want to talk to you about Lola.”

  Star’s eyebrows shoot up. “Why? Is something wrong?”

  I pause, wondering if this is a good idea. Perhaps I shouldn’t talk to Star about this. Then I notice the pinched look on Star’s face. She loves Lola, and they’ve been friends a long time. I’m reminded of the conversations we’ve had about Lola’s family. It’s clear that Star has been more of a sister to Lola than her own. And Star has always been there for Lola in ways that her family never was. If anyone can help me with this, it’s Star.

  “I don’t know. That’s why I wanted to talk to you.” I run a hand over my head, my gaze once again shifting around the garage. Beckett is unhooking the chords to his guitar and wrapping them around his arm, while the other guys are packing up their things. The loud clanging of instruments and cases reverberates through the room. “Ever since Lola came back from Christmas vacation she’s been acting kind of strange.”

  “Oh. Yeah, her relationship with her parents is kind of complicated.” She narrows her eyes. “I thought she told you about that.”

  “She did.” I scratch the back of my neck nervously. “It’s not that.” I mull over how I’ll say what I need to. If only I was good with words like Beckett. It’s always amazed me the way he can articulate his feelings through the lyrics in his songs. “This is going to sound weird, but I just have to ask it. Has Lola ever had an eating disorder?”

  Star’s eyes widen, and in this moment I know that what I suspect is true. “Why would you ask that?”

  “Because lately anytime we go to dinner together she races to the bathroom afterward, and when I joke with her about it she acts funny; offended, I guess.”

  Star slumps in her seat, her hands dropping into her lap. “I can’t believe I missed the signs. Now that you mention it I’ve noticed it too. I guess I was just so preoccupied.” Her gaze flickers to Beckett, and I see shame color her cheeks.

  “Hey, don’t beat yourself up about it. She’s been pretty discreet about it. And you and I both know how guarded Lola is.”

  Star peers up at me through her dark fringe. “Lola has bulimia. She has since the time she was sixteen. But she had a handle on it before we came here. I think all the pressure her parents put on her during the holidays might have caused her to do it again.”

  My heart breaks for Lola. Even though I suspected it, I still have a hard time coming to grips with it. I mean, how could someone so beautiful and vibrant have this kind of issue? How could she be unhappy with how she looks? It just doesn’t make any sense.

  Star places a hand on my arm. “Hey, I know what you’re thinking. I thought the same thing when I first found out. Lola’s skinny, so why does she have this problem?”

  I shake her arm off, a little freaked out that she knew what I was thinking. “Is this when you tell me you can read minds or something?”

  Star smiles. “No. I wish. Maybe then it wouldn’t have taken me so long to get Beckett to open up to me.” Her eyes land on him again, and then return to me. “But with Lola it’s not all about her looks. It’s more about control, I think.”

  I nod, her words washing over me. “That would definitely make sense.”

  “Control is an important thing to Lola, and when things seem out of control she has to find something she can control.” Star shrugs. “It’s part of the reason I don’t get all hung up on her need to mother me. I figure that’s safer than what she used to do.” Her face blanches. “I can’t believe it’s happening again. I feel so bad.”

  “Thanks, Star. I appreciate you telling me all this.”

  “Hey, what’s going on?” Beckett sidles up to Star. “You’re not trying to steal my girl, are you?” His arm snakes around Star’s waist.

  “Nah, I think I’ll stick with the one I have.”

  “Good choice.” Beckett’s mouth curves into a devilish grin. “This girl is already taken by the hottest guy in Seattle.”

  “Glad to see your ego is still intact,” I joke.

  Star just rolls her eyes. Beckett swiftly kisses her on the cheek. “You know you love it, baby,” he croons.

  “Alright. I’ll see you guys this weekend,” I say, spinning around to give them privacy.

  Star stops me. “Are you going to talk to Lola or should I?”

  “No. I’ll deal with it.”

  “Okay.” Star nods. “Good luck.”

  I know I have to tread lightly when it comes to this subject. The worst thing to do would be to just spring it on her, or put her on the defensive. So, I have her over to my apartment while Pierce is at work. Mom walks me through how to make her chicken enchiladas over the phone, and they turn out perfect. My plan is to bring it up sometime over dinner.

  But Lola is in flirty banter mode, and I can’t find a good time to bring it up. Then the minute she finishes eating she disappears into the bathroom.

  I know what she’s doing, and it kills me. Standing up from the table, I inch my way forward. When I reach the bathroom, I stand outside the door with my hand hovering over the knob. Our lock doesn’t work. Pierce busted it a few weeks after we moved in. He was trying to show off how strong he was. Sometimes Pierce can be a real idiot.

  But I can’t really just bust in there and infringe on her privacy, can I? Knowing my answer, I lower my hand, dropping it to my side. I start to turn away when I hear a gag and muffled retching. The sound tears through my heart like someone has stuck a knife in my body and is twisting. I can’t let her do this to herself. I care about her too much.

  She needs my help.

  Without dwelling on it any further, I reach out, turn the knob and thrust the door open. Lola kneels on the ground, looking like a person on their knees in prayer. Except this isn’t a church, and her body is curved over the toilet, her hair falling like a curtain over her face. Her head snaps up and her eyes widen. There is a sheen of sweat over her brow.

  “What are you doing in here?” Reaching out she quickly flushes the toilet. It rings out in the tiny bathroom, loud like an accusation.

  I drop to the ground next to her, and snatch up her hands, weaving them through mine. “Lola, I know what you’re doing.”

  She yanks her arms out of my grasp and scoots away from me, bumping into the wall. “You have no right to come in here like this.”

  “I care about you. I don’t want you hurting yourself.”

  “I-I-I’m just not feeling well. That’s all.”

  I grab her by the shoulders. “Lola, that’s not what’s going on. You and I both know that.”

  “Ryker.” Her eyes drop to the floor and her lips tremble, but I can see her shutting down.

  “Talk to me, Lola. Don’t shut me out.” I lift her chin, forcing her to look at me.

  “I can’t.” She shakes her head, her eyes filling with tears. It’s the most vulnerable I’ve ever seen her, and it kills me. It stirs something inside me that I’ve never felt before.

  “I can’t stand knowing that you’re hurting, beautiful.” I play with the hair around her face, tangling it in my fingers. Her eyelids flutter, the fight inside withering a bit, I can tell. “I know what you’re doing. I’ve suspected it for awhile, and I just want to help you. Let me help you, Lola.”

  She wrings her hands in her lap until they turn red. “I can’t. This is all too much.” Her gaze shoots frantically around like she’s trapped and planning her escape.

  I sweep my finger up her cheek. “What’s all too much?”

  “All of this. Just everything.” She runs a hand through her hair, a groan escaping through her lips. “My parents are putting a lot of pressure on me, and school
is tough, and then there’s you…” she lets the words linger in the air like a question.

  “What about me?” I palm her cheek. “I hope you don’t feel any pressure from me. I never want to make you feel this way. I never want to be the reason you do this.”

  “God, Ryker, could you be any more perfect?” Her smile is sad.

  “Is that a bad thing?”

  “Yes, it is, actually.” Her smile disappears, replaced by regret. “Because I just don’t know where this is going.”

  “That’s up to you, beautiful,” I tell her honestly, circling the pad of my thumb over her cheek.

  “If only it were that simple,” she whispers.

  “It is that simple, Lola. At least it is for me. It has been from the moment I realized that I’m hopelessly in love with you,” I say before I can think better of it and stop myself.

  When Lola’s mouth drops open and her eyes widen, I wish I could backtrack. “What did you just say?”

  There’s really no getting out of this now. I can’t take back the words now that they’ve already left my mouth. Instead, I lean forward pinning her with an intense look. “I said that I’m hopelessly in love with you, Lola.”

  She leans her cheek into my hand. “Even now? Even after what you walked in on?”

  “Even now,” I say firmly.

  “Ryker?” She peers up at me hesitantly.

  “Yes, beautiful?”

  “I think I’m in love with you too.” She shakes her head. “No, that’s not true. I know that I’m in love with you.”

  “C’mere.” I slide my hand from her face and open my arms. She collapses against me like she’s coming unraveled. Her body trembles against me, her hands grasp my shirt like she’s drowning and I’m her last link to the land.

  “Everyone thinks I’m so strong, but the truth is that I’m a mess. A freaking mess.”

  I stroke her hair with my hand. “It’s okay. I don’t expect you to be perfect. You don’t have to have it all together for me.” I kiss the crown of her head.

  “I don’t know how to fix this.”

  “You don’t have to do this alone. I’ll help you, because I don’t plan on going anywhere.” I guide her face upward. Then I gently trail kisses up her chin, across her cheek and then gently sweep my lips over her mouth.

  “What are you doing?” Lola pulls back. “You don’t want to kiss me right now. Trust me.”

  I press my lips to her forehead. “I was just erasing your bad memories.”

  Lola bites her lip. “I wish that were possible.”

  “It is, Lola. Trust me. It is.”

  19

  Lola

  “I had an interesting conversation with Beckett today.” Ryker’s fingers trail softly over my arms, tickling like a feather. I’m curled up in his arms on the couch in his apartment. Darkness blankets us while the movie we’re watching plays on his little flat screen mounted to the wall.

  Our legs are tangled together and every once in awhile his bare toes brush over mine. It’s in moments like this that I allow my mind to fantasize about a future with Ryker. I can just picture us lounging together like this every evening. Even if we never have money I can see myself getting used to this. It would be worth it just to be held in Ryker’s arms. Nowhere in the world do I feel so comfortable; so loved.

  But there is something in his voice that gives me pause. I crane my neck to peer up at him. “Oh? What about?”

  “He told me that he’s going back to California with you and Star next weekend.”

  My stomach drops, and I swallow hard. “Yeah. Poor guy.” Reaching down, I pick at a stray thread on the couch. “Not sure how she talked him into it.”

  “I’m sure it wasn’t that hard. I mean, I’m sure he felt honored to even be asked.”

  And there it is. The reason he even brought it up. God, I’m so tired of having this conversation. Why can’t he understand that I’m protecting him by not subjecting him to my family? He knows what they’ve done to me. “Well, Star’s family is a lot different from mine, so maybe it won’t be that bad.”

  “Lola?” He tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear.

  “Yeah?” I speak barely above a whisper, scared of what he’s going to ask next. When I glance up at him, blue light from the TV flickers over his skin.

  “How long have you known about this?”

  It’s not what I expected him to ask. “A couple of weeks, I guess.”

  “How come you didn’t tell me?” He plays with a strand of my hair and it feels so good. If only we could just be relaxing together and enjoying the moment. Instead we have to have this serious conversation. Frustration burns through me.

  I shrug. “I don’t know. I guess I didn’t think it mattered.”

  “It does matter, and you know it. Beckett and Star have been dating a lot less time than us. Why is it that they’re more serious about their relationship than we are?”

  I sit up straight, sighing. “Why do you care? We shouldn’t be comparing our relationship to theirs, anyway. What we have is different.”

  “How? How is it different?” Ryker sits up too. He’s wearing a wife beater tank top and shorts. The muscles of his arms constrict, and the tank top shifts exposing the muscles on his chest. All I want to do is run my hands over his skin. When my gaze connects to his full lips, I take a deep breath. How is it that even when he infuriates me I’m still incredibly attracted to him?

  “It just is.”

  “That’s not good enough, Lola.”

  I grunt in irritation. “God, Ryker, what do you want from me? Why do we have to have the same fight all the time?” Standing up, I head toward the kitchen table where I tossed my purse and jacket earlier.

  “Where are you going?” Ryker hops up off the couch.

  “I just can’t keep doing this.” The fight withers inside me and I just feel exhausted. Walking toward him, I reach out and touch his shoulder. “I love you. I really do. But I feel like you want more from me than I can give you. Maybe we just need some space or something.”

  “What?” His arms come up around me. “No, space is exactly what we don’t need.” He lowers his face. “I mean, what about my addiction?”

  I want to laugh. I want to turn this whole thing into a joke, and fall into his arms. But that’s what we always do. We get into a fight and then diffuse it with jokes and making out. However, the problem never goes away and pretty soon we’re having the same argument again. I just can’t keep doing it. I feel like a freaking hamster on a wheel.

  I shove away from him. “I’m sorry.”

  “Why can’t you trust me?”

  His words stop me in my tracks. “I do.”

  “Then let me come with you to Calfornia. I can help you. God, I hate the thought of you being alone with your parents, knowing that they’re the cause of your…your issue.”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “No, you won’t be fine. That’s the point. You’re not fine. You have a problem, and it’s because of them.” He grabs me, and this time I don’t stop him. “Please. Let me help you.”

  I melt into him, wanting to believe him, wanting to trust his words. “Okay,” I say.

  “Really?” He smiles. “So, I can come with you?”

  I shake my head. “No. That’s not what I meant. I was saying okay, that I’ll let you help me. And the way you can help me is by understanding that I can’t bring you home with me right now.” Pausing, I think about how I can make him understand what I need. If he truly wants to help me, I need to explain to him how that’s possible. “Having you there will just add to the pressure. Not only will I have to worry about how they’re treating me, but I’ll have to worry about how they’re treating you. It’ll just be too much.”

  Ryker shakes his head and moves away from me. My stomach drops at the gesture. “I want to believe that’s true, but I don’t think that’s the whole reason. You’re still not sure about us, are you?”

  I don’t know what to say. I don’
t know how to convince him, and I’m just too tired to fight. “I don’t want to do this anymore. We’ll talk when I get back from my trip.”

  “So that’s it, then?” His voice is hard, and for a second I wish I hadn’t said that. “Things are tough so you’re just going to walk away?”

  “I’m not walking away because things are tough, Ryker. I’m walking away because I don’t know how to fix this.”

  “That’s easy.” His arm juts out and he grabs my wrist. “Just tell me that I proved it to you. Tell me that you can trust me, and that I can come home with you to meet your family.”

  I drop my gaze. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

  “What do you mean, you can’t?” The light in his eyes darkens, and it breaks my heart. “You said you loved me, Lola.”

  “I do. But I can’t say all things you need me to. I can’t tell you that we for sure have a future together. I want to, but I just don’t think I can make that kind of promise. I have a lot I have to work through first. God, I cannot commit to keep food in my stomach after a meal. And I can’t bring you home right now. I don’t think I’m strong enough.”

  “Lola.” Ryker pulls me forward until my chest bumps his. Then he grazes my cheek with his hand. “I’m not asking you to marry me right now. I’m not even asking you to promise that you will. I just need to know that you’re committed to me right now.”

  “That’s what you say with your words, but your actions tell me something different. I’m giving you all that I can right now, but it doesn’t seem like it’s enough for you.”

  “It is.” He presses his forehead to mine and breathes in deeply.

  “Then why does it bother you that I won’t bring you home to meet my parents?”

  “Because it seems like if you were serious about us you’d want me to meet them. And it seems like the next step in our-” he stops speaking and peels his forehead from mine. “You’re right, I guess. I do want more from you. But only because I love you, Lola. I love you so much it kills me. The truth is that I want to be with you forever. I’d marry you tomorrow if you’d have me.”