For the Save (Playing for Keeps #4) Page 13

  “I’ll box up Ben’s room.”

  “Honey, are you sure?”

  “Positive.” I forced a brave smile.

  Mom hesitated, searching my face. I held the look. “Ookay,” she drug out the word, furrowing her brows. “But if it gets too hard, let me know.”

  I nodded. “Sure thing.”

  Mom stood, shuddering. “I gotta get outta here.” Then she slipped out of the room, leaving me alone with Ben’s things. Taking a deep breath, I snatched up the jersey. It was silky between my fingers. Images flew through my mind of Ben wearing it out on the field. Abandoning the memories, I folded it and dropped it into the box. Leaning forward, I picked up a baseball trophy. Ben’s name was etched in gold. When my gaze connected with the years engraved on it, I did the math and surmised he must have been around nine when he received it. My stomach clenched as I pictured nine year old Ben, all smiles and giggles and smart-ass remarks. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply as the memories threatened to overtake me.

  My pocket vibrated, and I quickly tossed the trophy in the box. Glancing down, I wiped the moisture out of my eyes and yanked my phone out.

  Sawyer: What are you doing?

  Me: Boxing up Ben’s stuff.

  My fingers paused over the screen. I wanted to appear brave. I wanted him to be proud of me. But more than any of that, I wanted to be real with him. And I wanted him here.

  Me: I need you.

  I’d barely pressed send when the response came.

  Sawyer: On my way.

  I smiled at his words. No hesitation. No promise to show up later. No platitudes or kind words. Just a simple ‘on my way.’ And it meant more to me than anything else he could have said.

  True to his text, Sawyer showed up almost immediately. I wondered how fast he must have driven to get here so fast. But I was beyond grateful. The minute he stepped into the room, I stood and launched myself into his arms. He held me tightly, kissed the top of my head.

  “You came,” I breathed.

  “I told you I would.”

  My hair fell in my face as I peered up at him. He brushed it out of my eyes. “Thank you.”

  “Hey, I told you I’d help you any way I can, and I meant it.” Lowering his head, his lips brushed softly over mine. Once, twice. Each time he’d draw back as if teasing me. I pushed up on my tip toes arching my back. He smiled. “Someone’s eager.”

  “Shut up.” Grabbing him by the back of the neck, I firmly drew his head toward mine. As our lips were about to connect, I only lightly touched my lips to his and then pulled away. A grunt sounded at the back of his throat and his head moved forward. I didn’t allow his mouth to find mine. Not yet. His eyes opened, and I cocked an eyebrow. “Not so fun, is it?”

  “Actually, it’s kinda hot.” He winked. “I’d let you tease me any day, Addie.”

  I loved when he said my name, like I was someone special. Someone to be cherished. And now I wasn’t interested in teasing him or playing games. Bringing his face to mine, I kissed him firmly. I kissed him with purpose. My tongue eased his lips open and tangled with his, while my fingers played with the bottom of his hair. His hands slid up my back and cradled my head as the kiss deepened, as he kissed me with all that he had.

  When we separated, I had to breathe deeply to slow down my racing heart. I blinked, the room coming back into focus, the reminder of where we stood harshly staring me in the face. I marveled at how Sawyer’s presence had caused me to forget where I was. How he had the ability to erase everything. With Sawyer I had tunnel vision. I only saw him. Honestly, it was nice. It was like he was my escape. Like he had become my new poetry.

  I wanted to lose myself in him again, but I knew I had to do what I’d told my mom I would. She was counting on me to get this room packed up, so I needed to do it.

  “You okay?” Sawyer touched a strand of my hair, his eyes crinkling in concern.

  “I am now that you’re here,” I said, and he smiled in response. “I told Mom I’d pack up Ben’s room for her. She couldn’t do it.”

  “Can you?”

  “Not by myself.”

  Sawyer spread out his arms. “Well, here I am at your service. Just tell me what to do.”

  “Okay.” I glanced down at the box I’d started filling. “This box needs to continue being filled. It looks like it’s Ben’s sports stuff. I’d love for you to finish up that one. It’s tough for me to go through that stuff.”

  “Of course.” Sawyer’s hand fell on my arm, gently caressing the bare skin.

  “I’ll go grab a couple more boxes and start on his clothes.”

  Sawyer stopped me before I could leave the room. “I can do it all if it’s too hard for you.”

  I almost took him up on his offer, but instead I shook my head. A part of me wanted to go through Ben’s things. I wasn’t sure why. Perhaps I felt it would give me closure. Or maybe I wanted to feel close to him again. No matter the reason, I knew I had to do this.

  CHAPTER 22

  Sawyer

  In Ben’s room Addie appeared even smaller than usual. Fragile almost. Like she could shatter into a million pieces at any minute. I was glad she told me to come over. It made my heart swell knowing that she trusted me with this. That she needed me and wasn’t afraid to tell me. And, really, I was more than happy to give her my support. It was kind of crazy, actually. Wasn’t it a couple of weeks ago that she was blocking me out all the time, using all her energy to push me away?

  After throwing another trophy into the box, I glanced over at Addison. She was hunched over a drawer in Ben’s dresser, shoving shirts inside a box. Her movements were manic and jerky, her eyes glazed over. It was obvious that this was killing her, and it broke my heart.

  Leaving the box I was filling, I stepped over to Addie. Without a word, I grabbed her gently by the shoulders and whirled her around. Her eyes locked with mine for only a moment before she collapsed into me. I folded my arms around her and held her tight.

  “You don’t have to do this.” I stroked her hair. The silky strands slipped through my fingers.

  “I know, but I want to.” Her voice was muffled into my chest. “I can’t explain it, but I feel like it’s something I have to do.”

  I nodded, understanding. If I’d learned anything over the last few months it was that grief was an individual thing. Sometimes the way we grieved didn’t make sense, not even to ourselves. There were things we had to do, things we had to face in order to move forward. Perhaps this was one of those things for Addie. And if it was, I would do everything in my power to help her see it through.

  “Okay.” I peered down at her. “As long as you promise me that if it gets too hard, you’ll let me take over.”

  She stared at me a minute, her forehead turning into a mess of squiggly lines. Pressing her lips together, she wore a pensive expression. I held my breath. What was she thinking? In my experience it was never good when she looked like this. The room was silent for a several seconds, but it felt like forever. Finally she spoke. “How did I get so lucky?”

  It wasn’t what I was expecting her to say, and it caused a smile to creep across my face. I tugged her closer. “I think I’m the lucky one.”

  “No way. You have to put up with all my baggage and mood swings.” A small laugh leapt from her throat. “Trust me. I’m the lucky one.”

  “We both have baggage,” I said. “However, I like to think of it more as luggage.”

  “Luggage?” She cocked an eyebrow. I loved when she did that. It looked so damn sexy.

  “Yeah, because baggage has this negative connotation, but luggage doesn’t. You take luggage on vacation, right? So luggage makes you think of sandy beaches, crystal clear water, and fruity drinks. It makes you think of plane rides and relaxation. While baggage makes you think of carrying something heavy and shouldering the weight of it all.”

  The skepticism on her face grew. “So you’re saying that my issues with my brother’s death and my dad leaving is like a vacation.
Because I gotta be honest, the baggage analogy seems to fit more at this point.”

  I tightened my hold on her as her hands fluttered over my chest. “What do you bring with you on a vacation? You bring your belongings, right?”

  She nodded.

  It didn’t seem like my analogy was working, but I had to keep it going. I was determined to put a positive spin on all this. To make her see herself the way I see her. Everything was so negative with Addie – the way she viewed herself and her circumstance. And I didn’t want that for her.

  “Right now it may seem like the stuff we’re going through is baggage. But one day it will be part of our life experiences. It will have shaped us, but it won’t define us. It will be like the stuff we bring on vacation. Our clothes and shoes don’t define us. Our luggage isn’t who we are. It’s just something we carry with us. We can leave it at the hotel room and enjoy our vacation. It doesn’t take up all our time and energy. In fact, we hardly think about our luggage at all. Only a couple of times a day when we need something from it.”

  Addie nodded.

  “And you can think of me as your own personal bellboy, because I’ll be happy to carry your luggage any time it gets too heavy or too much for you to shoulder,” I added.

  “I’m sure I’ll take you up on that.”

  “I hope you do.” I rubbed her back with my palms.

  “Do you really think it will ever be like that for us? Will there ever be a time when I don’t think about Ben every day? Or where you don’t relive Ryan’s death over and over?”

  I swallowed hard. The nightmares had died down a little, but it was hard for me to imagine the memory of that day fading away. “I like to think it will taper off with time.”

  “Me too.” She smiled. “I like your vacation analogy. I’m not sure how realistic it is, but I like it.”

  “Addie.” Removing my arms from her back, I slid them up her neck and cupped her face. She inhaled sharply as my thumbs ran across her bottom lip. Slowly bringing her face toward mine, I clamped my lips over hers. I kissed her slowly as if she was a tall glass of iced water and I wanted to savor every drop. I drank in her lips, sucking them into my mouth and then releasing them. They were smooth and supple, tasting like watermelon. Then I licked my tongue along the seam of her lips until she parted them. My tongue slid over hers, while our lips fused. Her hands curved around my shoulders as the kiss became more charged, more intense. My pulse quickened, my thoughts racing to things I shouldn’t be thinking about. Before doing something I’d regret, I drew back. I was here to comfort Addie, to help her, to be the man she needed. And I was pretty sure tossing her down on her dead brother’s bed and having my way with her wasn’t what she needed. My heart was pounding furiously as I dropped my hands from her face. She blinked as if coming out of a trance. I took a deep breath. “When I’m with you the memories don’t haunt me. You give me hope that I’ll get through this.”

  “You do the same for me,” she said so softly I had to strain to hear her.

  When my gaze traveled down to her lips, I cleared my throat. “We better get back to it, huh?”

  “Yeah, we better.” She flashed me a resigned smile. “Besides, if my mom walks in on us making out she’ll probably make you go home. Before this all happened my parents were pretty strict about me being alone with boys.”

  “Oh yeah?” I raised my brows. Addie and I hadn’t talked much about previous relationships. “Were there a lot of boys you wanted to be alone with?”

  She giggled, her cheeks flushing. “No, not really.” She patted my cheek. “You have nothing to worry about, Sawyer. When I’m with you, I forget other boys even exist.”

  I loved hearing that, and I wanted to cling to those words like a lifeline. But it was the first part of that sentence that left me with one nagging question. “What about when we’re not together?”

  “Then I’m thinking about you.” It was the most she’d ever admitted about her feelings for me, and my heart stuttered in response. She kissed me lightly on the mouth. So lightly that only her top lip brushed mine It was more sensual, more exciting than when she fully kissed me, and it caused a low moan to sound at the back of my throat. “I used to think I liked other boys, but since I’ve met you I realized that I never really did. There’s only ever been you.”

  I knew what she was saying. The way she made me feel was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. No girl had elicited this kind of desire from me. And not just a physical desire. No, I desired our connection. What we had was deep. And no matter how long it lasted, I’d never regret it. Addie was someone I’d always carry in my heart whether we were together or not. And I’d hold her close for as long as I had her.

  When she returned to the dresser, I lowered down onto my knees in front of my box. It was almost full, so I snatched up the remaining trophies and ribbons. Ben had been one hell of a football player. I remembered seeing him play a few times. He was a legend when I first attended Gold Rush High. It was odd to think that he’d thrown away so much. I understood why Addie was so determined to find out answers. I had hardly known the guy, and I knew something wasn’t right. Usually when I heard of guys committing suicide they were seriously depressed, or being bullied like Preston, or had mental problems they were wrestling with. I mean, I was sure there were other reasons, but I hadn’t had personal experience with it. At the very least I would think there would have been signs, but according to Addie there hadn’t been. Everyone had been shocked.

  “Oh, my god.”

  My head bobbed up at Addie’s words. Her eyes were wide, her arm shaking. In her palm she held something, but it was too small to make it out.

  “What’s wrong?” I stood up and made my way over to her.

  When I reached her she opened her palm, revealing a small baggie with one white rock nestled inside. My insides clenched.

  She shook her head. “My brother didn’t use drugs.” I couldn’t tell if she was trying to convince me or herself.

  “Maybe it wasn’t his,” I suggested, but then her gaze drifted back to the drawer she’d been going through. It had been emptied out and the bottom was covered in glass pipes, razors, mirrors, and a few more filled and empty baggies. My stomach dropped. What the hell had Ben gotten involved in?

  The look of disbelief was replaced by one of determination. “I’ve got to go talk to Kevin.”

  “Kevin?”

  “Ben’s best friend. If Ben was using, Kevin would know all about it.” She dropped the baggie into the drawer and shut it firmly, as if by doing so she could block out what she’d found.

  “Do you think this is a good idea?” An uneasy feeling descended into my gut.

  “I can trust Kevin. He’s like an older brother to me. I’ve known him since I was in diapers.”

  “I bet you were cute in diapers.” I nudged her in the side in an attempt to lighten the mood.

  It did. “I was a scrawny little thing.”

  “Still are,” I shot back.

  “Hey,” she said, but her lips curled a bit at the edges.

  “Scrawny, but sexy,” I amended.

  This seemed to appease her. She pecked me on the cheek. “You can keep packing up if you want. Kevin only lives a few blocks over. I’ll go talk to him and be right back.”

  “Whoa, not so fast,” I warned. “I’m going with you.”

  “You don’t have to.”

  “I know, but I want to.”

  “He may not say anything if you’re there. I feel like my only hope of getting answers is if I’m alone. He trusts me.”

  I got what she was saying, but there was no way I was letting her do this alone. She may have trusted Kevin, but I’d never met the guy. Besides, if he was using drugs with Ben who knew what she was walking into. In my experience, calling guys out on their drug use never ended well. “At least let me drive you there.”

  She smiled. “I could get used to this.”

  “Get used to what?”

  “Being protected.” />
  I wrapped my arms around her middle. “Addie, I’ll always protect you.”

  “I think I’d like that.”

  CHAPTER 23

  Addison

  When we left the house, Mom was asleep on the couch. At first I was puzzled by this. I assumed maybe all the emotions of the day had gotten the best of her. But when we stepped outside, darkness enveloped me, and I realized it was much later than I’d thought it was. Turning on my phone, I saw that it was a little after ten o’clock. Man, I’d been packing in Ben’s room for a long time. Then again, I wasn’t only packing. My cheeks warmed when I glanced over at Sawyer. He had been distracting me a bit.

  Before getting into the “Barney Mobile,” I hesitated for a moment. Should I really go barging over to Kevin’s house this late at night? What if he was sleeping? But then I thought of how late Ben always stayed up, and decided it was worth a try.

  As Sawyer drove, I thought about Ben’s behavior the few months prior to his death. He had been pretty moody. More so than usual. But I’d chalked it up to him getting older, becoming a man. And he and Dad had butted heads more than before, but I thought that was typical for a father/son relationship. Like a rite of passage or something. But now I wondered if it was more than that.

  I never would’ve thought Ben would be the type of guy to use drugs. Then again, I never thought he’d be the kind of guy that would kill himself either. I shuddered.

  “You cold?” Sawyer asked. “C’mere.” Keeping one hand on the wheel, he offered his free arm.

  Grateful, I nestled into him. It was cold tonight, but that wasn’t why I shivered. Still, his body felt good against mine. His hold on me gave me strength, and I desperately needed that right now. I had no idea what I was going to find out tonight, and that scared me.

  When we got to Kevin’s house his car was parked out front. I felt both relief and fear at this.

  “I can go in with you if you want,” Sawyer said, clearly sensing my trepidation.

  I forced a courageous smile. As much as I wanted Sawyer to come with me, I knew I’d never get the answers I needed if he did. “No, I’ll be fine.”