Until the Sun Burns Out Page 19

  After setting the pictures down on the coffee table, I picked the card up again. It was white with a red heart in the center. Simple. Classic. So like Austin. Taking a deep breath, I flipped it open.

  Mina,

  I’ve always been scared that if anyone knew the real me they wouldn’t like me. I’m the charming one (don’t laugh), I’m the class clown, the guy always ready with a joke or witty comeback. And people like that about me. That’s why it’s the only side of me I generally show people.

  I’m sorry that I’ve spent so much time pushing you away. I was scared. It’s my only excuse.

  But I trust you. You’re the first person who I can be myself around. And I want you to know me. All of me.

  The truth is you were never my summer girl. From the moment I first laid eyes on you, you had my heart. I always wanted you to be my forever girl, but I had to be sure you wanted the same thing. More than that, I had to be sure I was worthy of you. I’m still not sure if I am, but I’m willing to try. I’m willing to do whatever it takes, because I love you…with all my heart.

  Austin

  With slick fingers, I closed the card. Tears soaked my cheeks, and I frantically wiped at them after tossing the card on the couch next to my legs. But every time I wiped away the moisture, more tears followed. Realizing it was a losing battle, I gave up. Reaching into the bag, I pulled out a small box, similar to the one my necklace came in. The box opened with a creak. Inside was a bracelet that matched my necklace – gold with a heart dangling. When I unhooked it and took it out of the box, my gaze caught on the back of the heart.

  There was an “A” etched into it.

  He’d given me his heart – practically and symbolically.

  Clutching the bracelet to my chest, I bent forward. Sobs racked my body, and I rocked back and forth. I’d loved Austin since I was fifteen. He’d always been more than my summer boy.

  He was the love of my life.

  Now he was gone, and I had no idea how to get past it. How to move on.

  How did you let someone go when all you wanted was to hold tighter?

  TWENTY-NINE

  It was Dad’s idea to take us up here.

  I’d always known Dad and I thought alike, but it was never more apparent than in this moment. When Austin had lost someone he loved, this is where I’d taken him. And when I lost someone I loved, Dad had done the same for me.

  As we stood on top of Serenity Point overlooking all of Inland Cove, I closed my eyes clutching the necklace around my neck. Then I breathed in deeply, imagining that Austin was beside me. Imagining that it was weeks ago and he was still here. Still beside me. Still breathing. Still alive.

  If he was here, he’d challenge me to some game, some sport, some activity he’d promise to beat me in. Or he’d make some kind of joke. Or, even better, he’d try to kiss me. Not that he’d have to try very hard. I’d gladly offer him my lips. In fact, at this point I’d give anything to feel his mouth on mine, his fingers in my hair, his hands on my back. Standing on top of this mountain, I conjured up the feel of him, daydreaming him back into existence.

  “I remember the first time you introduced me to Austin,” Luca said, breaking into my fantasy, reminding me of how unfair this was. How Austin could only visit me in my mind now. “I thought he was so cool. Definitely the coolest guy you’d ever brought around.” Opening my eyes, I looked at Luca. His face scrunched up like he was trying not to cry. “But he was still really nice to me. Even though he was older and cooler than me, he never acted like that.”

  Reaching out, I gently ran my hand up Luca’s arm. “He liked you.”

  “I liked him too,” Luca said, and I swallowed back the sadness that welled in my throat.

  “I know I was hard on Austin at times, but that was only because you’re my baby girl and it’s my job to look out for you,” Dad explained. “But he was a good kid, and I know he treated you well. For that I’ll always be grateful to him.”

  Nodding, I allowed the tears to come once again. They flowed freely down my cheeks, but I didn’t bother wiping them away. In the last week I’d cried more than I had in my entire life. Sometimes it surprised me that I had more tears to shed. It seemed that there would be no more liquid left in my body, but I was starting to think I had an endless supply.

  “He knew that you cared about him, Dad,” I said. “Things with his family were…strained. I know that he enjoyed the time he spent with the three of us.”

  Both Dad and Luca offered me a sad smile.

  “I’m glad we had the time with him that we did, Mina.” Dad reached for my hand, gave it a squeeze.

  “Me too. He definitely made my life better.”

  “And I know you did the same for him,” Dad offered.

  A car careened in our direction, bright lights painting our bodies. A couple sat in the front seat, and when they spotted us they immediately turned around. Clearly they hadn’t been coming up here for peace. If Austin were with me, the two of us would bust out laughing at the fact that we’d scared them off.

  But Austin wasn’t here.

  Every day I was reminded of it a million times.

  “Remember the first time we all ate a triple cone?” Luca asked, a smile inching up his face.

  “It made me so sick,” I said.

  “But he knew you’d never back down from a challenge,” Luca pointed out.

  “Mina never has,” Dad added, his hand clamping down on my shoulder.

  “And I’m always the victor.” I puffed out my chest.

  Luca shook his head. “Not always. Austin was the one person who could rattle you.” His head lifted toward Dad. “You should’ve seen her the first time they bodysurfed together. She ate it so many times.”

  When the giggle broke out, I was surprised. It was the first time since Austin passed away that I’d laughed, and I was thankful that Luca had reminded me of the good times with Austin. We’d spent three perfect summers together. Three summers filled with joking and laughter and good times.

  Austin wasn’t one to wallow in self-pity. He wasn’t one to get bogged down with darkness. He was joy, he was happiness, he was light. I know, because everything had seemed darker since he’d left.

  Breathing in the cool night air, I let it rush through my lungs, opening up the tightness that lingered in my chest. I inhaled the scent of saltwater, allowing it to remind me of Austin and all that we’d shared. I knew I’d never smell the sea without thinking of him, and for some reason that comforted me.

  Do you believe in heaven, summer girl?

  His voice whispered to me through the trees, and I nodded subtly. I did believe. And I knew that’s where he was. Lifting my head, I stared up at the clouds, imagining him winking at me from behind them.

  I was sure he was wearing an amused, cocky, challenging grin.

  ***

  “You’re really leaving?” Luca stood in the doorway of my bedroom, resting his shoulder against the doorframe.

  I nodded from where I was kneeling on the floor, putting the last of my stuff in my suitcase. “I know it’s not the end of summer yet, but I just can’t stay here any longer. It’s too hard.” For the past couple of weeks, I’d attempted to stick it out. I’d gone to the beach, I’d made a trek into town, I’d even gone to the park. I thought if I went to the places we’d gone together, I could face things and move on.

  But it only succeeded in ripping my heart out further. I felt broken and lost.

  Perhaps I wasn’t ready to move on yet. Maybe that was the problem. Regardless, being here was too difficult. Back home, I could forget, if only momentarily. Back home, memories of Austin wouldn’t linger everywhere I looked.

  Luckily, Mom and Dad were both cool about it. Although I didn’t know why I was surprised. Both of them were compassionate and understanding, especially when it came to stuff like this.

  “I get it,” Luca said. He pushed off the wall. “But I’ll miss you.”

  “It’ll only be a few weeks, and then yo
u’ll be back home too.”

  “Summer will never be the same, will it?” Luca swung his arms by his sides, the way he did when he was agitated.

  I wouldn’t lie to him, so I shook my head.

  “I wish he was still here.”

  “Me too,” I said softly.

  With one last, sad smile, Luca disappeared down the hallway.

  My phone vibrated from where it sat on the bed. I stood up, my knees cracking. They were red and indented from the floor. Even though Austin had been gone for two weeks, there was still that moment after every text where I forgot. That moment when I expected to see his name pop up on my screen.

  One night I spent the entire night sitting in my bed reading through every single text thread. I knew I’d never delete a single word he’d sent me. I’d cherish them the rest of my life.

  Another night I’d dialed his number a dozen times just to listen to his voicemail. The sound of his voice caused an ache to spread through my chest so fiercely it was difficult to draw breath. But it was also therapeutic, and it gave me comfort.

  However, the next day when I’d dialed the number his phone had been disconnected. I cursed myself for deleting the voicemails I’d gotten from him in the past. But how was I to know he would leave me so suddenly?

  That he’d leave us all so soon?

  Picking up my phone, my gaze connected with the screen.

  Grace: I have a big hug waiting for you.

  Despite the sadness I felt, her message made me smile.

  Me: I’m going to need it.

  Grace: Hang in there, my friend.

  My gaze lingered on the words “my friend.” Grace had always been one of the closest people in my life. Austin had almost come between us at one point, but we worked things out. And the truth was, I had been so lucky to have them both in my life. They offered something different, but they were equal in their love for me.

  Me: I will, my friend.

  Sighing, I set the phone down on the bed, making a vow never to take Grace for granted. To never take anyone for granted ever again.

  Leaning my head back, I stared up at the ceiling, my mind replaying my last moments with Austin.

  “I don’t want you to go home yet,” I whined, nestling my face into his chest.

  He chuckled. “It’s late, forever girl.”

  “Not that late,” I argued.

  “It’s past my curfew.”

  “You have a curfew? You never mentioned that before.”

  His finger shot out, and he gently tapped my nose. The pad of his finger was cold, and I shivered. “That’s because I’m usually home in time.”

  The sky was dark, a smattering of stars twinkling down on us. A slight breeze kicked up rustling the trees near my dad’s front door. It had cooled down considerably tonight, but in Austin’s arms I was warm. I never wanted him to let me go. I stuck out my bottom lip. “Rule-follower.”

  His fingertip skated over my mouth. “Takes one to know one.”

  He had me there. “Not tonight,” I said. “Tonight I want to break the rules.”

  “Oh, yeah. And where is this rebellious streak coming from?”

  “You.”

  “Nuh-huh. You can’t blame this on me.” A car drove down the road, and my body went rigid. But once it passed, I relaxed again. Austin’s hand drew circles on my back.

  “Why not? You said you were a bad boy.”

  “That was last summer. I’ve since been reformed.”

  “Who reformed you?”

  An amused smile swept his face. “This chick I know. She’s a real stickler for rules.”

  “She sounds horrible.”

  “No, she’s not.” One of his hands left my waist and lifted to my cheek. He brushed away a stray lock of hair, his thumb grazing my cheek. Then his gaze lowered to my neck, his hand following it. Goosebumps arose on my flesh as his fingertips crawled over my neck and collarbone. “She’s amazing. The most amazing girl I’ve ever known.” His face came closer, his eyes piercing and dark, smoldering. “Sometimes the rule-followers are the ones that surprise you.” A puff of heat hit my mouth as his lips hovered mine. I knew what was coming, and the anticipation kickstarted my heart. When my palms slid up his chest, I noticed his heart was beating frantically too, and it made me giddy. The novelty of Austin had worn off, but I still felt a sense of awe sometimes when we were together. I no longer felt unworthy of him. He’d cured me of that. But that didn’t stop me from feeling proud that someone as incredible as Austin wanted to be with me.

  There were times when I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

  His lips met mine in a rush of passion, followed by tongues dancing and hands exploring. It was like one of our sessions at the gym. It started off fast and manic until we were out of breath and tired. Then it slowed to the cool down at the end, giving us time to catch our breath, regain our bearings.

  When we finished, his forehead dropped to mine. “I love you, my forever girl.”

  “I love you too, my forever boy.”

  It was the first and only time I’d called him that.

  “Ready to go?” Dad appeared in front of me.

  Coming out of my daze, I exhaled and stood. “Yeah.”

  “It’s not too late to change your mind,” Dad offered.

  I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Dad, but this is what I have to do.”

  “I understand.” His hand closed around the handle on my luggage. My mind shot back to my first night here this summer and how Austin had dragged my luggage back here for me. It seemed unfathomable that he’d been healthy and whole that night, and now less than two months later he was no longer with us. As I followed Dad out of my bedroom, I wondered if I’d ever fully process the unfairness of this.

  When I reached the doorway, I turned around taking in the large windows overlooking the beach, the bed I’d slept in for three summers now, the dresser where I kept my things. Overwhelming sadness descended on me, and I almost buckled under the weight of it. To ground myself, I touched the bracelet on my wrist, fingering the heart dangling from it.

  “It’s okay, Mina.” Dad touched my shoulder. “It’ll all be here for you next summer.”

  He was trying to make me feel better, but it wasn’t working. I didn’t know if I would return. I didn’t know if I could. This used to be a place I escaped to. A place I found solace in. But it was no longer that place for me.

  My summer boy was gone, and Inland Cove would never be the same.

  THE FOURTH SUMMER

  THIRTY

  I wasn’t planning to come back, and yet here I was standing on the same beach where I first met Austin. Everyone thought the only reason I came was for my dad’s wedding. And that was definitely part of it. Mom told me I’d never forgive myself if I missed it, and she was probably right. Besides, I knew it was important to Dad that I was here.

  But ultimately, Austin was the reason I came. Ironic that he was the selling point of Inland Cove when he was alive, and he still was even in his death. This beach, this town, this ocean – it all represented him to me. In my mind there wasn’t Inland Cove without Austin.

  I’d met him in my first week here, and he’d been a fixture ever since.

  Austin had taught me to live life to the fullest. I hadn’t even realized it at the time. He probably didn’t even mean to. It was just who he was. He was full of life. Adventure pumped through his veins. He bled competition, and it was one of the things I loved most about him. Even when he’d lost someone he loved, he mourned it and then moved on. He didn’t let it weigh him down. Didn’t let it define him. It was the same way with his parents and his heart condition.

  I knew he wouldn’t like to see me sad the way I’d been since he died. The way I walked around, blanketed by a dark cloud, as if I could no longer see the sun shining.

  After Austin passed away, I’d been plagued with all the things I never said to him. All the things I wished I had. All the things he deserved to know, deserved to hear. Now they s
at in my chest, bubbled up in my throat. And I longed to let them spill out.

  But there was no point. Austin wasn’t here for me to say them to.

  This was why people visited the graves of their loved ones. It was so they could say good-bye, speak their piece. It had never been about the dead. It was about the living. A way to process and move on. Dad had tried to help me do that up at Serenity Hill, the same way I had tried for Austin. But it wasn’t enough. Maybe because at that time I didn’t know all of the things I wanted to say. Now I did.

  And even though I couldn’t visit Austin’s grave, I had the next best thing – this place.

  It was early morning and still cool out. This had been Austin and my favorite time to come to the beach. When it was quiet and mostly empty. We’d walk along the shore, allowing the frigid water to splash over our feet. Or we’d search for seashells. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out the last one he gave me. Normally it sat on my dresser, greeting me every morning and every night. A constant reminder of Austin and what we had. Today I held it in my hand, stroked its shiny exterior.

  A dog barked, and my head snapped up. A man ran with his dog. I smiled when they passed. Then I stretched out my legs until the tips of my toes hit the ice cold water. Goosebumps rose on my flesh, a shudder running up my spine. Raising my head, I allowed the warmth of the sun to wash over my face. It felt like a caress, the wind a soft sigh. And I imagined it was Austin smiling down on me.

  “I keep replaying our last night together,” I spoke softly into the air, my eyes still tightly closed. “And I think about all the things I should’ve said. I don’t know if I ever made it clear how much you meant to me. How much you changed my life. I was a different person before I met you. I was insecure and needy, unsure. But you gave me self-confidence. You made me stronger.” My voice broke. “I never told you that, and I should have. But I never imagined you were going to leave me the way you did.”

  “I didn’t leave you, summer girl. I’m right here.”

  I flinched at the sound of his voice, my eyelids flipping open. And there he was. Standing in front of me in his swim trunks, bare chest gleaming in the sunshine, just like I remembered him. I sat perfectly still, afraid if I moved even an inch the mirage would vanish, and I’d be alone again.