Head Above Water Read online

  “So, I was thinking maybe this weekend we could go for one of those hikes you’ve bragged about.”

  I have a feeling this guy is going to remember everything I say. I’m going to have to be careful. Luckily, I do like to hike. That was the truth. “Okay. That’s sounds like fun.” I bite my lip, already trying to figure out how to look sexy in hiking clothes. I might have to have Kate take me shopping again.

  “Do you have a place in mind?” he asks. “I mean, since you’re the expert.”

  “Expert might be an overstatement, but I know of a couple places.”

  “Uh oh. Whenever a girl downplays it, I know I’m in for trouble. You’re planning on killing me with this hike, aren’t you?”

  I picture Tag’s taut muscles and laugh. “I hardly think so.”

  “I’m gonna hold you to that.”

  “I hope you do,” I say, staring down at my chipped toenails and making a mental note to redo them later. Then again, they’ll probably get all messed up in my tennis shoes. Maybe I’ll wait until after Tag and I go hiking. My insides scream at the thought. When was the last time I went hiking with a guy? It had to have been with my ex-boyfriend Liam, and that was years ago. I guess I haven’t exactly been in the dating scene for awhile. It’s not that guys haven’t asked me out, they just haven’t been anyone I was interested in. Not the way I’m interested in Tag.

  “I’ll pick you up at nine on Saturday,” Tag says.

  “Perfect.”

  “And don’t worry about coffee. I’ll bring you some. Do you have a preference?”

  “I like black coffee, no cream or sugar.”

  “Really?” He sounds skeptical.

  “Yep. Fully leaded, that’s what I call it.”

  “Me too, but I figured most girls liked all that sugar and cream in theirs.”

  “I’m not most girls.”

  “I’m realizing that,” he responds, causing a smile to break out on my face. Usually when guys refer to me as different it’s in a negative way, but I can tell he means it as a compliment. I hang up feeling like I’m floating on air. When I exit my room I find Mom standing in Heather’s doorway. She turns to me with a perplexed expression.

  “Who was that?” she asks.

  “Tag. He’s the guy I went out with the other night,” I answer simply.

  “And his name is Tag? Is it short for something?” She furrows her brows.

  “I’m not sure. I don’t know what it would be short for.”

  “Kind of an odd name, don’t you think?”

  I shrug. “Yeah, but I don’t care. I like him. He’s really nice.”

  “When do your dad and I get to meet this really nice boy?”

  “He’s picking me up at nine on Saturday morning to go hiking,” I offer.

  “Great. I’ll let your dad know.”

  I groan inwardly. “Seriously.” The last person I want Tag to meet is Dad. I don’t want him to see what is so painfully obvious when the two of us are in a room together. That my own father hates me.

  Mom laughs. “It’ll be fine. We don’t bite.” Then her gaze flickers back to Heather’s room, and I know I’ve lost her. I can’t compete with Heather. I couldn’t when she was alive, and I sure as hell haven’t been able to since she died.

  My chest tightens. “How is it going in there? Making any progress?”

  Mom sighs. “I’m starting to think that maybe I should hire someone to do it, but then I think that’s silly. I should be strong enough. I mean, it’s been so many years. I should be able to go through her stuff by now.”

  I lean against Mom, resting my head on her shoulder. “I don’t think there’s a right way to do this, Mom. Everyone grieves differently. If it’s too hard for you, there’s no shame in admitting that.”

  Mom drapes an arm over my shoulder. “Thanks for understanding.”

  “Sure.” I understand better than anyone.

  "This is the spot, huh?” Tag asks when we start our hike.

  “It’s one of the many spots I like,” I tell him. We enter the shade of trees lining our path. Green plants surround us. Our feet crunch on the dirt and rocks.

  “You go hiking a lot then?”

  I nod, stepping over a log in my path.

  “I kinda thought you were joking about liking to hike,” he admits, keeping in step with me.

  “Why?” I bat away a stray branch that comes dangerously close to smacking me in the face.

  “I guess I didn’t really peg you as the outdoorsy type.”

  “Really? Why not?”

  “Probably because you’re so pretty.”

  I blush at his words, and turn my gaze so he doesn’t notice. I’ve never really been the blushing type, but this guy knows how to push my buttons for sure.

  “So who normally comes with you on these hikes?” Tag asks.

  “I usually go alone.” The path becomes steeper, and we climb upward. I wipe sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand, and I feel a little beading under my armpits. Normally I don’t have to worry about smelling good on these hikes, but today I’m really hoping my deodorant pulls through for me.

  “Alone? Really?”

  “Yeah.” I glance over at him, as always stunned by how incredibly good looking he is. Even in his gym shorts, t-shirt and tennis shoes. I almost laughed when I saw him this morning. He clearly has never gone on a hike before. It made me glad that I didn’t wear my usual hiking boots and attire. At the last minute I’d changed into my Nikes. “Kate doesn’t like to hike, and there’s no one else I’ve ever wanted to take. Besides, I kind of like going alone. It’s peaceful. It gives me time to clear my head.”

  “Clear your head?” Tag nears me and my heart picks up speed. He grabs my hand and whirls me to face him. I freeze, afraid to even breathe. His hand comes up to touch my face and brush a strand of hair from my cheek. “What’s inside that pretty head of yours that needs to be cleared out?”

  His eyes sear into mine, and for one brief second I want to tell him everything. But I can’t. Not yet. So I smile. “Oh, you know. All the stress from my job and stuff.”

  He grins, and pulls back from me. I mentally kick myself for making light and breaking the intimate moment. “Is that the field you want to go into? The law?”

  We start walking again. The path evens back out and then winds to the right. “No. I sort of got that job by accident. My mom is friends with one of the secretaries there and they told her about the opening.”

  “Then what do you want to do?” Tag steps over a branch and his arm rubs against mine.

  I inhale sharply, wishing the moment could last longer. His skin feels good against mine. The scent of his minty shampoo mingles with the flowers and fresh air. I shrug, staring forward at the foliage and the path. “I don’t really know. I’ve never really been one of those girls with a life-long dream, you know? Like those girls who already had their whole life planned by second grade?”

  Tag chuckles, so I know that he gets what I’m saying.

  “But I do know that I want to help people in some way.” I bite my lip, trying to decide if I should share my idea with him. What if he thinks it’s totally stupid? But something about Tag makes me want to open up, so I blurt it out, “Like maybe be a therapist or something.” The minute the words are out I feel kind of stupid.

  “A therapist, huh?”

  Now I really wish I’d kept my mouth shut. “Yeah, um, you know, maybe for like grieving people. If I could help people through that process that would be a really rewarding job. I know, it probably sounds dumb.”

  “No, not at all,” Tag says firmly. “I know how hard it is to lose someone.”

  “Oh, my god.” I clap my hand over my mouth. “I’m so sorry. I forgot about your dad.”

  “Don’t be sorry.” He reaches for my hand, threading his fingers through mine. It all happens so fast and natural, it catches me off guard. But it feels good to have his thick fingers wrapped around my slender ones, and I savor it. “When my d
ad died I saw a couple of counselors, and maybe if they had been as passionate about it as you seem to be they would’ve helped me more. I like the idea of you helping people through that tough time. I think you’d do a great job.”

  “Thanks.” I exhale slowly, my chest expanding. Tag’s the first person I’ve shared that dream with, and he has no idea how much it means to me that he didn’t shoot it down. “What about you? Did you always know you wanted to be a lifeguard?”

  “Um. No, actually. I decided to do it a couple of years ago.”

  “What made you decide?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. I like the beach,” He answers vaguely and it seems so out of character for him. Why is this question making him uncomfortable? “Your mom seems nice,” Tag says completely changing the topic, and I feel like I’ve endured whiplash.

  My chest tightens at the memory of him meeting her this morning. Everything about it was tense and strange. Then again, that pretty much describes the energy at my house. “Yeah,” I say under my breath.

  “Too bad I couldn’t meet your dad.”

  I look away, staring at the weeds lining our path. “He had an early golf game with some friends. But I’m sure he was disappointed about not meeting you.” The lie burns my throat like acid. It was no surprise that Dad didn’t make meeting Tag a priority. I’m sure if Heather were still here and dating he would make it a priority. But I’m not Heather, a fact I’m reminded of everyday.

  “The truth is, I was a little nervous about meeting him,” Tag admits, a sheepish grin on his face. “Is he really hard on the guys you date?”

  No. Not at all. He doesn’t care what I do or who I do it with. No matter how hard I’ve tried to please him over the years, I’ve never been good enough. I’m not the one he wants, and I never will be. I feel heat behind my eyes and blink rapidly.

  “Hey.” His voice is soft. We come upon a clearing. From this vantage point I can see out over a large expanse of trees and land. Tag stops walking and reaches for me. “You okay? You sort of went to this other place for a minute.”

  I nod, seeing the concern in his eyes. No one ever looks at me with this much concern, and I can literally feel my walls crumbling a little. “I’m fine.”

  “What’s going on at your house? I could sense something was off. Do your parents treat you alright?”

  I wring my hands nervously at my waist. Wow, he’s really perceptive. And it makes me want to share everything. I want to finally speak the words. I want him to hold me, comfort me, tell me it’s okay. But I can’t. It’s too soon. I hardly know the guy. “My family has their issues like every family does, but we’re fine.” I turn my head taking in the view. “This is why I like to hike. Isn’t it beautiful?”

  “Breathtaking.” His breath fans over my face.

  I turn my head to see Tag staring directly at me. Leaning forward, he frames my face with both hands. My palms fill with moisture and my heart races. His lips near mine, and I close my eyes in anticipation. His mouth is soft as it gently sweeps over my lips. I grab onto his waist as his lips press more firmly onto mine. I part my lips, an invitation. He responds, licking my lips and then sliding his tongue into my mouth. I taste his minty breath and faintly the coffee we drank earlier. His hands tighten around my face, his fingers slipping under my hair. Our tongues meld together, our lips moving in sync. I rake my hands up his back, resting them at his neck. A moan escapes from the back of my throat, and in response Tag groans. This only succeeds in making me kiss him even harder. We kiss until our lips are swollen, until I can hardly breathe. When we part, I struggle to catch my breath. Tag circles his arms around my waist, holding me steady. I rest my head on his chest and stay that way for a few minutes, staring out at the greenery and looming trees.

  “I’m glad you came with me today,” I finally say, speaking the words into his chest.

  “Me too.” He strokes my hair with his fingers. I lean into him with a feeling of contentedness, knowing that there is no other place in the world I’d rather be.

  6

  TAG

  WHEN I GET home I’m surprised to see Mom out of her room. She’s sitting on the couch watching TV. Sure she’s still in her pajamas, but at least she appears to have showered today. Her head bobs up when I enter, and she actually smiles at me. One of the curtains is slightly open, and light paints streaks on the tan carpet. When my parents bought this house it was really outdated, done all in browns and tans. One of the walls in the family room even still has wood paneling. Mom had plans to redecorate and make it all light and chic, but after Dad died that never happened.

  “Hey, Mom.” I close the door, drop my keys on the little table near the door and then head into the family room. After passing the end table and magazine rack, I sink down on the couch next to her.

  “You’re all sweaty.” Mom curls her nose up as she takes in my appearance. “Where were you?”

  “I was on a hike.” An involuntary grin breaks out on my face, remembering how good it felt to kiss Harper. I’ve wanted to do it since the moment we met, and it was even better than I expected. This morning I had no intention of kissing her today. No, my plan had been to hold her hand. I was going to drag out the kiss until our next date. But when we stood on that hill, I couldn’t help myself. She looked so beautiful and free in that moment. I felt drawn to her like never before. But I don’t regret it, not for a minute. It was the best kiss of my entire life. I’ve never experienced anything like it.

  “A hike, huh?” Mom looks perplexed.

  “Yep. With a girl.” I wink.

  “Really? Is she special?”

  “Very.” Harper’s face fills my mind – her heart shaped lips, light eyes and blond hair. A surge of adrenaline rushes through me every time I think of her.

  “When do I get to meet her?”

  My good mood crashes. I hadn’t really thought about Harper meeting Mom. After what happened with Ginny I vowed not to bring my girlfriends around here anymore.

  “Well?” Mom presses. “I’m waiting.”

  “Soon.” I pat Mom on the thigh, placating her. “I’ll bring Harper over soon.”

  “Harper? That’s an interesting name.”

  “Yeah, sort of like Tag,” I tease.

  “Tag is a great name,” Mom says defensively.

  “Yeah, for a game,” I counter.

  She scoffs at this. “Sorry. I didn’t realize you didn’t like it.” Her voice is taking on that pitiful sullen tone.

  “No, Mom. I love it. I’m sorry,” I scramble to fix my mistake. The last thing I need is to upset her right now. It seems that this is a good day for her, and I want to keep it that way. “Have you eaten yet? I can make you something.”

  “That would be nice.” Mom is already drifting from me, her tone light, and her eyes glassing over.

  “Okay. I’ll do that right now.” I hop up and head to the kitchen. When I enter, my feet stick to the dark linoleum. If I plan to keep seeing Harper, I am going to have to tell her about my mom at some point. And a meeting is inevitable. It makes me wonder what Harper would think. I mean, didn’t she tell me today that she wants to be a grief therapist? So maybe she’s the one person who would understand my mom. Then again, she’s not a therapist yet. And why does she want to help grieving people? It almost seemed like she was speaking from personal experience when she said she knew what it was like to lose someone. But I know both her parents are alive. So who did Harper lose? And does it have anything to do with why she’s so afraid to swim?

  "I wish you didn’t have to work this weekend,” Harper says on Friday night as we sit on a bench outside the yogurt shop, chowing down on our large bowls of frozen yogurt and toppings. Well, Harper’s is yogurt and toppings. Mine is mostly just a bowl of toppings. In fact, I should have bought a bag of candy at this point. “I was hoping we could go hiking again like last weekend.”

  “Sorry. I can’t get out of work every Saturday. That’s when the beach is the busiest.” I lean into her, kissing her s
wiftly on her cute, little nose.

  “Can’t another lifeguard take your shift?”

  I love that she wants to spend time with me so badly. We’ve hardly been apart in the last week. Any time we were both off of work we were together. “Nope. Sorry. They want the best, so I’ve got to give them what they want.”

  “What about what I want?” She puffs out her bottom lip.

  “Oh, I’ll give you what you want.” I nip her bottom lip with my teeth, and she giggles.

  “You will, huh?” She draws back, a teasing gleam in her eyes.

  “Of course.” I wink before taking another large bite of my yogurt.

  She licks her blue spoon, and I find myself mesmerized by her tongue. I could seriously kiss this woman all day long if she’d let me. As if she can sense what I’m thinking, she bends forward and steals a kiss on my lips. A group of little boys race past us toward the yogurt shop. They giggle when they see us kiss.

  Ignoring them I put my arm around Harper. “You know. You could come by and visit me at work tomorrow. I’ll mostly be standing around most of the day anyway. And it would give you an excuse to see me shirtless.”

  She giggles. “As tempting as that sounds, I think I’ll pass.”

  “Oh c’mon. It’ll be harmless. It’s not like that idiot you were at the beach with last time will be there. No one will throw you in.”

  Her demeanor shifts instantly, and her face grows dark. “I said no, Tag.”

  “Okay. Sorry.” I back off. “I didn’t mean to pressure you. It’s just that I want to spend as much time with you as I can.”

  She softens a bit. “Me too, but it’s not going to be at the beach.” There are only a couple bites left in her container, and she dips the blue spoon inside it.

  “What happened to you?” I ask softly.

  After swallowing down a bite, she looks at me. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, what happened to you at the beach? Clearly there’s a reason you hate it so much.”