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I knew who he was.
I also knew that my life would never be the same again.
Chapter Five
Ducking back into my room, I struggled to breathe evenly. My head swam, the walls bending and closing in around me. I rested my head against the wall in an attempt to stay upright. I couldn’t believe he had finally shown up at my house. One part of me wanted to jump into my bed and hide under the covers until he left. Still another part of me wished to run out to him and demand an explanation. It seemed unfathomable that I would even have to make this choice. In all my life, I had only dared to dream I’d be in this predicament. I never really thought it would come true.
Mom’s voice rose. I could sense the tension in her tone. It was normally directed at me. I strained to make out what she was saying.
“She isn’t here, okay? And even if she was, she wouldn’t want to see you.”
“Shouldn’t she be the one to make that decision?” the man countered.
Were they talking about me?
I neared the doorway.
“You’ve had years to be a part of her life. Why the sudden interest, huh?”
Yes, they must have been referring to me.
As if drawn by a magnetic force, I left my room. My body moved by its own volition down the hallway. Somewhere far back in my mind a warning signal went off, telling me to turn around and hide back in my room where it was safe. Despite the warning my legs kept moving, propelling my body forward. By the time I came to my senses, they had both seen me. Mom’s mouth curved into a frown.
“Kenzie, I told you to pack. I’m handling this.”
Ignoring her, I locked eyes with the man standing out in the cold. He looked so different from the picture and yet I knew it was him.
“Dad?”
He smiled. What was left of his teeth were crooked. As I stepped closer, I could smell the alcohol on his breath, the smoke on his skin. Yet, it didn’t repulse me as it should. This was my dad; the man I had waited my whole life to meet. He was finally here. It felt like a dream.
“Mackenzie,” he said.
“It’s Kenzie,” my mom spat. “And you would know that if you had ever tried to be a part of her life.”
“Mom, it’s okay. He can call me Mackenzie if he wants.”
Mom glared. “Okay, you’ve seen her, David. Now you can go.” She started to close the door.
I stepped forward to block it.
“Please, Mom, let him in.”
“It’s okay. I’ll leave.” He flashed a wounded look. “I can tell when I’m not wanted.”
Mom rolled her eyes. “You always were good at the whole martyr act.”
That’s when I noticed Mom was shaking. I remembered that my dad had raped my mom and that’s how I was conceived. Even though I’d always wanted to meet my dad, it must’ve been difficult for my mom to see him again. I was being insensitive.
“Will I see you again?” I asked him, praying he wouldn’t say no.
“Of course.” He grinned right before Mom slammed the door in his face.
She turned to me. “You shouldn’t have encouraged him. He’s not welcome here and I don’t want him anywhere near you.” Her entire body was trembling now and her face was pale.
I reached out and grabbed her hand. “I’m sorry, Mom. I know seeing him must be awful for you, but he’s my dad. I want the chance to get to know him.”
She shook my hand off. “There’s nothing to know, Kenzie. He’s a lowlife and a con artist. I’m sure that coming here is just part of his newest scheme.”
The words hurt. I turned away so she wouldn’t see my lip quivering.
“Oh, baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m just trying to protect you, that’s all.”
I knew she meant well, but she couldn’t make this choice for me. If I wanted to see my dad, I would.
Mom spent all of Thanksgiving morning in the kitchen. Still shocked over my dad’s reappearance and heartbroken over my break-up with Isaac, I stayed curled up in bed in my sweats. I pictured Isaac at home with his family having an amazing meal and it depressed me. While Mom meant well, I was sure our food wouldn’t even be edible. I didn’t even know why she bothered. By early afternoon the scent of burnt food wafted under my door and, right on cue, the smoke alarm blared.
I jumped out of bed and raced into the hallway. A trail of smoke curled down the hallway like a finger beckoning me into the kitchen. Mom’s hair stuck to her face from sweat, her apron was covered in food and a cloud of smoke billowed around her. We both ran for the doors and windows, opening up everything we could to allow the smoke to escape.
What was left of the charred turkey sat on the counter airing out. Mom was practically in tears by the time the smoke alarm finally shut up.
“I- I -don’t know what I did wrong,” Mom choked out between sobs.
Shaking my head, I removed the boiling potatoes from the stovetop. I could at least try to help her salvage what was left. “It doesn’t matter. That was way too much turkey for just the two of us anyway.”
Mom wiped the corner of her eye with a soiled napkin. “It’s not just the two of us. Drake is coming, too.”
I rolled my eyes. “You can’t seriously think he’s still coming. When was the last time you talked to him?”
Another pot boiled over on the stove. I cringed when I reached for it. Well, so much for the cranberry sauce.
A knock interrupted us. I shivered, even though it was stifling hot in the kitchen. I prayed it wasn’t Drake. Mom’s face lit up. She smoothed down her hair and rubbed her lips together. Flinging off her apron, she threw it on the counter and sashayed out of the room.
I followed behind her, my defenses up. If it was Drake, I was ready for a fight. No way was I going to let him get under my mom’s skin again. Much to my relief it was Carol. In her hand she held a casserole dish.
“Happy Thanksgiving!” She trilled.
Mom sighed.
Carol’s face fell. “What? You’re not happy to see your best friend on Thanksgiving?”
“No, of course I am.” She enveloped Carol in a hug, bumping the dish with her stomach. “It’s just I thought you would be someone else.”
Carol stepped inside. “So, Drake didn’t show, huh?” She locked eyes with me and I smiled.
“Okay, I know you two don’t like Drake, but you don’t have to look so smug about him standing me up.” She stalked past me and went to the kitchen.
“I’m sorry, Josie.” Carol followed her. “I know how much you like him.”
“It’s just that I don’t understand what I did wrong.” Mom’s voice quivered. “Things were going so well between us and then he just disappeared.”
The phone rang and I was grateful for the diversion. The last thing I wanted to do was comfort Mom about her ruined relationship with a demon. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to conjure up enough sympathy.
“Happy Thanksgiving!” Grandma’s voice came on the line, causing me to smile.
“Hey, it’s good to hear your voice.” The ache of missing her was so fresh. I wished I could crawl through the phone line and into her arms.
“You too, sweetheart. So, how has your holiday been so far?”
“Oh, you know. Same old.”
“Heading to Denny’s for dinner again?”
I chuckled. Grandma knew what a terrible cook Mom was.
“No, my mom’s friend Carol just showed up with some food and I think the potatoes are salvageable so we’ll probably eat here.”
“No turkey, huh?”
“Burnt to a crisp.” I giggled.
Grandma’s laugh filled the line. “Oh dear.”
“It’s not so bad. I’m not hungry anyway.”
“Yeah, I heard about you and Isaac.”
The sound of his name caused my stomach to churn. “He told you?”
“Yeah. Are you okay?”
“Not really.” My voice cracked. I swallowed hard, attempting to hold the emotion back.
>
“Well, then you two are in the same boat.”
“He’s not doing well?”
“Not even a little bit. He loves you, Kenzie.”
I bit my lip to keep it from trembling. Moisture filled my eyes. “I know. I love him too, Grandma. What am I supposed to do?”
“Exactly what he asked you to do. Deal with the feelings that you have for Tanner.”
“But how?”
“Only you know the answer to that.”
I hated when grown-ups gave obscure answers.
“I feel like I’ve screwed up everything and lost them both, Grandma.”
“Then I guess it’s time to fix things, huh?”
I knew Grandma was right. I just didn’t know how to do it.
Chapter Six
I had been back in school for an entire week after Thanksgiving break, and Tanner still hadn’t said one word to me. The first day back I tried to make small talk. We were in numerous classes together, after all. However, when I said hi, he turned around and started talking to the guy behind him. Later in the day I attempted to start up a conversation while I passed back a paper, but he just kept his head down and continued writing in his notebook. After that, I didn’t even bother. It stung too badly to let it continue. He even avoided me at lunch. No one knew where he was sitting but it wasn’t with us anymore.
I missed him even more than I thought I would. I felt the ache in my heart like a physical thing. More than that, I felt awful for hurting him so much that he couldn’t even speak to me.
Finally, on Friday, he broke the silence. As I made my way to my desk, I kept my head down, not wishing to see the pain written on Tanner’s face. All through the class his proximity made me nervous, just as it had the entire week. His anger practically radiated from him.
When the bell finally rang I shot out of my chair without realizing that Tanner was standing there, and bumped into him. The feel of his touch brought forth a rush of emotions and I almost burst into tears. Blinking, I stepped back. He made eye contact with me for the first time all week. I held his gaze, hoping for something from him. Anything.
“Where’s the necklace?” he asked.
My fingers flitted up to my neck and caressed the bare skin. “Oh, I’m not wearing it anymore. Isaac broke up with me.”
Tanner’s face hardened. “I guess you made the wrong choice, then. Because if you had chosen me, I never would have let you go.” He spun on his heels and walked out of the classroom, leaving me standing alone.
“Oh my gosh, he said that!” Haley spewed bits of apple out of her mouth.
I held my hand in front of my face but it was too late. A few wet pieces had already gotten me. After wiping my cheek, I nodded. We sat in the cafeteria because it was too cold to sit in the quad. We were huddled at a table in the corner with Rick and Janna. A few of the band kids sat on the other side of us and I glanced over to make sure they didn’t hear Haley’s outburst. One of the guys was talking animatedly about a show they watched and the rest were engrossed by it, so I was pretty sure we were safe.
“That’s so romantic.” Janna sighed, a far-away look on her face. Then she whacked Rick in the arm. “How come you never say stuff like that to me?”
Rick swallowed a bite of his sandwich and then set it down on the cafeteria table. “Because you didn’t choose some other guy over me.”
“If I did, would you say that?” Propping her elbow up on the table, she rested her chin in her hands and batted her eyelashes.
Rick shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
Taking a sip of her diet soda, she rolled her eyes. “You really let go of a great guy, Kenzie. One in a million.”
I felt miserable. Not only had I let go of one great guy, I had let go of two. What was wrong with me? I groaned and pushed my lunch bag away from me. I was too sick to eat.
“Okay, that’s not helpful, Janna.” Haley threw her an exasperated look. “You can get Isaac back, Kenzie. Didn’t he say he’d wait for you?”
“Isaac?” Janna set her soda down with a loud ping. “Why does she want him back? Tanner’s the one who just professed his undying love.”
“He didn’t say anything about undying love,” Haley said.
“Yes, he did. He said if she had chosen him he never would’ve let her go.” Janna pursed her glossy lips.
“You read too many romance novels,” Haley replied. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter what Tanner says. Weren’t you paying attention? She chose Isaac. He’s her true love.”
“I don’t know.” Janna tossed a strand of black hair over her shoulder. “I’ve never met this Isaac guy but I have seen Tanner and Kenzie together and there is some major chemistry between them.”
Haley bit her lip. I knew she agreed with Janna because she had said the same thing before.
I held my head in my hands, wanting to scream. They were both right. Tanner and I did have chemistry. Wasn’t that why Isaac broke up with me? And I was going to have to deal with my feelings for him if I had any hope of getting Isaac back. Only it wasn’t going to be that easy. Tanner didn’t want anything to do with me. And I was afraid of what might happen if he did.
I looked up and my heart stopped. There was Tanner, and he was in the last place I ever expected to see him. My face must have registered the shock I felt, because the whole table turned around, following my gaze.
“Why is he with Scarlet?” Haley shook her head in disbelief. “They’re not back together, are they?”
“So much for undying love,” Janna said.
Nausea crashed over me. I thought back to Tanner’s confession about how he drugged Scarlet’s drink. Would she really have taken him back after that? It didn’t seem like she would when she confronted me in the bathroom about it a couple months prior. Of course, at the time she thought Tanner and I were together so maybe it was just jealousy talking. I watched them sit at the jock’s table together. They looked so at ease, it made my heart ache. Although, I supposed it made sense. They had been going out all of high school and had only just broken up over the summer. I knew I should be happy for Tanner but all I felt was irrational jealousy.
“Why would he go back to her?” Janna furrowed her brows in confusion. “Even if he can’t have Kenzie, there are plenty of girls at the church who like him.”
“Scarlet’s safe,” Rick chimed in.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I stared at Tanner and Scarlet, unable to tear my eyes away. I noticed Derek and Chelsea near them and I finally understood how Haley felt having to watch her ex-boyfriend and former friend hang on each other every day.
“Only that you hurt him. Now I think he’s looking for someone to fall back on.”
Usually Rick hardly talked at all. Why had he become so chatty all of the sudden?
“I didn’t do it on purpose.” I bristled.
Rick shrugged his shoulders. “I’m just saying that you did lead him on a little.”
There was no way Rick could come up with all of this on his own. He wasn’t the most perceptive guy in the whole world. “Have you been talking to him?”
Rick’s face flushed.
“When did you talk to him?” Janna asked. “I never saw him.”
That did seem weird. Janna and Rick were pretty much attached at the hip.
Rick sighed. “I saw him in the halls the other day and asked why he wasn’t at youth group or church. I also asked him why he didn’t eat lunch with us anymore.”
I leaned forward, holding my breath. “And?”
“He can’t stand to be around you right now. He really thought you felt the same way about him that he did about you.”
My throat burned, my eyes stung. Haley reached out her hand and covered mine. The sympathy was too much and I thought it might send me over the edge, so I yanked my hand away. Sniffing, I glanced back at Tanner. He and Scarlet were deep in conversation. I thought back to last month when we sat on this very same bench deep in our own conversation. I remembered his forehead practicall
y touching mine. I pictured his smile, the scent of his skin, and the feel of his touch. Jealousy reared its ugly head and I breathed deeply to ward off the anger I felt toward Scarlet. It was misdirected anyway. I shouldn’t be angry with her. This was my doing. She was only capitalizing on it.
“You okay?” Haley asked.
I nodded, even though I was anything but. Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone watching me. I turned. A boy I didn’t recognize sat near Derek, watching me. He didn’t look at all like someone who belonged at the jock’s table. His eyes and hair were black and he wore gothic clothing. His penetrating stare was full of hatred. Shivering, I broke his gaze. That’s when I noticed several other students that looked a lot like him at the same table, scattered in with the students wearing letterman jackets and jerseys. It seemed so odd since I knew firsthand how exclusive that table was.
“Are the jock’s branching out?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” Haley looked over at them.
“There are, like, twice as many people and a lot of them are goth or something.”
Haley chuckled. “It looks like the same group it’s always been, minus a couple.”
I thought about how Ian and Caleb had been expelled after Haley almost died of alcohol poisoning at a party with them. They would have let her die if Tanner and I hadn’t shown up when we did.
“Sorry Hales, I didn’t mean to remind you of Ian and Caleb.”
“It’s okay.” She smiled after taking a gulp from her water bottle.
“It’s just so weird. I mean, I never thought jocks would invite gothic kids to eat with them.”
Haley, Janna and Rick all narrowed their eyes and scrunched up their faces in a look of confusion. Before they could say anything, the ringing of the bell pierced through the air. As I loaded up my uneaten lunch I watched Tanner and Scarlet leave together. One of the gothic girls trailed behind Scarlet.
“Hey, who’s that girl with Scarlet?” I pointed her out to Haley.
“There’s no girl with her. Just Tanner.”